To Kill in Therapy

A few words from my certification paper for the Gestalt therapy supervisory program. The topic concerns the principles of a psychotherapist’s work, viewed through the lens of the Ten Commandments—or rather, the ten utterances received on Mount Sinai. Let us consider the utterance: "You shall not kill." The words seem clear, but what is the deeper meaning of this commandment? It refers not only to the physical act of killing another person. In fact, in certain situations, killing may be justified—for example, in cases of self-defense. Every person has their own worldview, values, and sense of reality, which are inviolable to others. This commandment, therefore, implies a broader prohibition—against devaluing another person's life or their right to self-expression. This includes a prohibition against shaming, humiliating, or ridiculing someone. A person who is overwhelmed with shame may, in that moment, feel as though they are dying. As it says in the Talmud: “Whoever shames another in public to the point that they turn pale loses their share in the World to Come” (Bava Metzia 59a). Causing someone to turn pale is likened to murder, because the blood drains from their face and they turn white. This is considered akin to killing (ibid., 58b), and in addition, the suffering from such shame is said to be worse than death. Therefore, it is taught that it is better for a person to throw themselves into a fiery furnace than to publicly humiliate another (ibid., 59a). Moreover, the commandment “You shall not kill” also includes the prohibition against suicide. How is this relevant to psychotherapy? A therapist is a compassionate witness to the life of the client. One of the fundamental goals of therapy is to affirm the value and significance of the client’s life, exactly as it is in the present moment. It is important to honor the path the client has already walked and the experiences they have lived. This recognition forms the basis for the client to become aware of the value of their lived experience, however it may have manifested. This also includes respect for the client’s resistance that may appear during the therapy process. How does this affect the course of therapy? “Change occurs when a person becomes what they are, rather than when they try to become what they are not” (Paradoxical Theory of Change). From this perspective, one of the therapist’s key roles is to highlight the value of the client’s past, to integrate this experience into the client’s identity. The therapist helps the client to see clearly where they are right now in their life. Regarding the creation of the therapeutic space, the therapist must be careful not to "kill" either the client’s personality or their own—that is, not to devalue either the client or themselves. The therapist should remain mindful of this dynamic and, if necessary, bring it into the session. Attempts by the client to “kill” either themselves or the therapist—through devaluation, aggression, or withdrawal—should be gently frustrated, not supported.What should emerge in the session are: • a client who recognizes the value of their own life, and • a therapist who maintains their own sense of value. This mutual recognition transforms the space between therapist and client, making it possible to build a genuine therapeutic relationship and alliance. Mutual acknowledgment of value is the foundation of dialogue. Without it, therapy cannot take place.

As stated in the ethical code: “At the core of the therapeutic relationship lies:

– The affirmation of the equal value of every person;

– The recognition of each individual’s uniqueness, regardless of racial, ethnic, religious, gender, age, or other differences;

– The recognition of the importance of autonomy and self-regulation within interpersonal relationships.”

As mentioned above, the prohibition against killing also includes suicide. When a person devalues themselves—their experience, their worldview—it is a form of self-destruction.