Borderline personality disorder or what it's like to live on an emotional seesaw

Who are people with borderline personality disorder?

Borderline personality disorder is a pathological mental condition based on an identity defect with a tendency to emotional instability, loss of impulse control, and sharp mood swings. A person with borderline personality disorder has a poor understanding of their feelings, motives, and needs, and is unable to build relationships and defend their boundaries. He or she cannot find a job. Distorted perceptions of oneself and others lead to unrealistic demands and frustration, and disappointment results in poorly understood anger and self-destruction. A breakdown is followed by despair, overwhelming feelings of guilt, powerlessness, and a sense of worthlessness. In order to better understand the nature of these reactions and behaviors, let's look at the conditions in which borderline disorders can form.

An inverted reality.
There are 2 main types of families in which children grow up and become a person with borderline disorder:

• When a person lived in a family with infantile parents. And the child had to grow up early
• Or in a family where parents are not interested in the child becoming an adult

Changes in subjective reality.
It can be incest, violence. When family members are forced (or not) to change places - a son as a father, or a partner, a daughter who replaces a mother. When there is no safety for the child in the home and the psyche fails. And then a protective reaction is triggered:

• If I am being hurt, then something is wrong with me. I am not worthy to be a part of this family.
• Decide that they are horrible. I will avoid them in my life. And out of my head, not to accept them. I will run away from home. I will constantly devalue them.

Both of these options form a different reality. That is, in one case, to exclude oneself, in the other, to exclude them. And this new reality allows you to survive. To get support. And both of these ways out of situations, on the one hand, make it possible to move on, on the other hand, not entirely successfully.  

Denial in the family.

When there are facts in the family that are difficult to recognize and are not acknowledged: illnesses of loved ones, alcoholism, etc. If you don't explain and tell the child everything as it is at first - if you don't confront him with reality - he will sooner or later realize that something is wrong. But he will blame himself for it: “It's because of me that mom drinks,” ‘It's because of me that dad got cancer,’ etc. When the situation is legalized, the child does not have difficulties and internal struggles. The behavior of loved ones is not evaluated in the same way.

How people with borderline personality disorder deal with themselves, others, and the world

It is extremely important for a person with this disorder to have basic supports around them in order to stay in this world. For them, relying on subjective reality is so important that they are willing to pay any price for it. There are several ways you can hold on to your reality. The most common ones are described below.

Merger or rejection.

One of the obvious and seemingly simple ways is to eliminate possible threats of invasion of one's own reality. This can be achieved by blurring borders, creating commonalities, and fighting everything that threatens unity (so that one does not have to revise reality).

Polarization.

When we are children, everything is explained to us in the simplest possible way: there is good and bad. There is good and evil. Good always wins. It is easier for the child's psyche to perceive this. That's why school books give one thing at one age and another at another. In order for the child's psyche to grow along with the information he or she perceives, and to be able to analyze it, it must be appropriate to his or her development and age. This defense mechanism helps a person with borderline disorder to achieve certainty more quickly. It is extremely important for them to know who is “bad” and who is “good”. To understand who to unite with and against. And since they can't be bad, because it's dangerous, they have to be good and unite with the same people.

Contradictions and fragmentation.

It is important for people with borderline disorder to find simple solutions and answers. They want everything to be unambiguous. At the same time, they often behave differently - contradictory and inconsistent. When a child in a family has to create certain patterns of interaction with each family member and stick to them, it creates certain subpersonalities that may not be connected in one whole. As an adult, it becomes unclear to him why he behaves “strangely” in some circumstances. He destroys things when he should be doing something to collect them. He screams and kicks out those he loves, etc. In therapy, you can work on your ability to see yourself as different and accept. But until that happens, everyone around you will have to deal with these subpersonalities. They themselves may not pay attention to it and may not see this behavior behind them. Because they are unable to see themselves as such and accept it.

The desire to destroy the close relationships of others.

Sometimes you may notice that there are people who can't stand it when others are happy. At the slightest appearance of something like this on the horizon, people with borderline personality disorder may start scheming and trying to destroy it. Behind this desire may be a high level of anxiety, self-doubt, and a desire for security. This may be due to the fact that, for example, someone in his family is united against someone else. For example, an alcoholic father insults his mother. Both mom and child unite and become “friends” against dad. And at such moments, the child experiences the positive effect of being with the good. But to be with the bad was a great fear. However, there were no guarantees that at some point the child would not switch sides. That is why for them, an alien alliance looks like a threat to be left behind.

Inability to experience.

People with borderline disorder do not seem to have enough space and capacity inside their psyche to process their own feelings.Therefore, people with borderline disorder have a very strong “defense” against feelings. This is the only way they can survive. Or alternatively, they can place them in others. Through projection.

Blurred boundaries.

Some people with borderline disorder grow up in families where boundaries are very ambiguous and unclear. And of course, in adulthood, it becomes impossible to do anything differently. There is no such skill. That's why, on the one hand, such a person will treat his or her own boundaries and those of others carefully. But at the same time, they will not notice how they violate other people's boundaries or violate their own. People with borderline disorder are often bad friends with rules. They deny them and constantly violate them out of denial. The desire to remove boundaries is related to the desire for control. Which is so important to him.

Idealization and devaluation.

As mentioned above, a person with borderline disorder divides the world into good and bad. Therefore, idealization is a convenient mechanism. Create something or someone, idealize it, and unite. The same thing happens with devaluation. To devalue is to create something new and “perfect.”

A tendency to psychosomatics

Due to the small container for feelings, lack of support and protection, polar emotions, and if we block feelings, they do not go anywhere, and as a result, everything is reflected in the physical state of the body. The feelings that an ordinary person can process - crying, screaming, etc. - allow us to live through everything. But not experienced - will be manifested through body signals.
Borderline personality disorder is a more complex process than just suppressing emotions and, as a result, lack of autonomy. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are constantly in dramatic conflict: a deep sense of split makes them both crave contact with others and hate it. The great emotional pain they experience does not allow them to fully define themselves and direct their self in relations with the environment.
Borderline manifestations are clearly visible in children whose parents gave them excessive autonomy. Remembering how little autonomy they themselves had as children, they give it to their children in excess. This is expressed in intolerance of family attachments, inability to forgive children's mistakes, and fear that they may not succeed. Parents expect extraordinary success from their children and do not even allow the thought of making a mistake, pushing their children away in moments of weakness.

Let's look at the main disorders in the relationship between therapist and client, where borderline pathology is clearly visible:

An unstable and intense relationship

The client's thoughts and perceptions of the relationship may change rapidly, from enthusiasm to complete devaluation. For example, at the beginning, a client may experience warm and trusting feelings toward the therapist, happy to have found the right person who is able to understand them. But just a week later, the opposite feelings can be observed, where the client devalues the therapist, refuses to continue working with him or her, and loses faith in therapy. What can a therapist feel at this point? At first, sincere joy at how the relationship is developing, and then the same sincere surprise. At first, the client shows his/her enthusiasm to get closer to the therapist as soon as possible, and then shows aggression when he/she does not get what he/she wants. In such cases, the therapist can “allow” the client to experience the split feelings and “containerize” their pain and joy without judging their actions or behavior.

Fear of abandonment

Based on their negative childhood experience - when parents abandoned or did not keep their promises - the borderline client tries to please the therapist, is afraid to be themselves, and constantly needs confirmation of their acceptance. At this point, the therapist may feel guilty because the client skillfully manipulates, creating this feeling with reproaches and questions. The therapist can show a willingness to be there for the client and emphasize that the focus at this point is solely on the client and their condition.

Emotional instability

Sudden changes in mood and states are typical for clients with borderline disorder. It is important that the state of a borderline client is highly dependent on the “other” with whom he or she is. The client is aware of their emotional instability and feels that it is beyond their control. The therapist may feel helpless because one day the client sees progress, but the next moment their condition worsens and the therapist cannot change anything.

Anger.

Many clients with borderline disorder often feel angry, but do not always show it to the world. Anger and its intensity are greatly influenced by the environment. This can cause internal splitting. At such moments, the therapist may feel frustrated, angry, and alienated. How to act in this situation? Use interventions in the phenomenological and relational approaches, providing support to the client and clarifying what exactly they want.

Clients with borderline disorder should not expect complete remission. Instead, you can help them to process their feelings, accept themselves as they are, support them in difficult moments, and form independent relationships.

Epilogue

People with borderline personality disorder usually do not have a broken personality. But they are constantly in two polarities. For example, they may consider themselves “good and happy” at one moment, and “bad and unhappy” at another. This state affects their interaction with others, and even their general perception of the world. They are characterized by “black and white thinking”. They see the world in only two colors - black and white. For them, a person is either good or bad. There are no gradations.